CUTE SUBURBIAN CAFE – The girl you used to have a crush on stares back at me with blank eyes as I mention your name. Who ? She gently pushes a stroller back and forth as I repeat your name. Oh, yeah, right. He was in the school band, wasn’t he ? Played the triangle. Yeah, I remember now, I talked a little bit to him on the last day. I made him sign my yearbook. We found out that our colleges weren’t that far apart, so we promised each other we’d try to get to know each other better next year. Never heard from him again. The angelic child in the stroller makes louder and louder noises, until it’s finally impossible to ignore its cries. Your crush apologizes to me while putting her coat on. I’m sorry, she’s been out for a long time today. [to the baby] You’re probably a bit tired, aren’t you ?  Time to go home. [back to me] It was lovely to talk to you. I get so blinded by her politeness that I almost forget the reason I came here in the first place. Overcome by panic, I shout at her the question I’ve been hired to ask.

She turns around, smiling. Green Book ? I’m sorry, I haven’t seen it. You know, with the kid and all, it’s hard to get time see movies anymore… She leaves the room, but even though I just met her, I have a feeling she’ll never leave my heart. It’s really too bad she’ll never like you back.

CROWDED BIG CITY BAR – Your “high school best friend” bursts out laughing as I mention your name. Him? Oh this poor guy. Confused by his response, I immediately ask him to tell me more. Does he really still think I was his friend? That’s some serious self gaslighting, bro. I bullied this kid all the time. Like, classic bullying. No mixed signals whatsoever. Throwing him into lockers and shit. Don’t know how he could get the idea I liked him… Man, that’s actually really sad. He looks down at his feet, visibly overcome with a sense of regret. I am not used to watching mountains of muscle feeling sad about their shortcomings, and desperately try to hide my discomfort.

To change the subject, I decide to be the professional journalist I’ve always dreamed to be and ask him about the 2019 Best Picture winner. He responds almost immediately, with the nonchalance you liked about him back then. Yeah, I don’t know, man. I thought it was fine. I don’t know if it deserved to win but I don’t know much about movies, so, take that as you will. I thank him for his time and get ready to leave. He grabs my arm, his voice slightly shaking. Wait.. did he actually think we’d keep in touch after college? Man, that sucks. I hope he’s ok. I know his feelings are hurt already, so I lie and say that you are. I think he knows it’s not true, but it does bring him a momentaneous sense of comfort. We uncomfortably say goodbye to each other, while he pensively looks down at his half empty beer. I look back at him one last time before closing the door behind him, a statue of pensive contemplation.

THE SHITHOLE YOU CALL YOUR HOMETOWN – Is her name Stacy or Katy ? Or is it Jessica ? I try to hide my embarrassment as the aggressively plain-looking woman stares back at me. I’m not sure what your relation to her is, but she insists she remembers you. He promised he’d write me, Holly angrily tells me, but apparently that didn’t mean much to him, did it ? God, we saw each other every single day and then he just left for college and never looked back once. I mean, I get it, some people need to start anew, but come on ! I helped him with all of his homework and I can’t even get a phonecall ? I’m the reason he got into college in the first place ! She angrily taps her fingernails against the table. To calm Lindsay down, I tell her that I agree with the core of her message: you’re a complete asshole. Realizing that this is common knowledge seems to make her feel a little bit better. Isn’t he ? God, what a prick. He didn’t even try to reach to me once, did he ? After all I did for him. Anyways, whatever. Thanks for listening to me. Since she’s here, I decide to ask her about Peter Farrelly’s road movie.

Green Book, huh ? Yeah, I thought it was ok. Roma was definitely more deserving though. Don’t see what these Academy asswipes have against Netflix. Oh well, at least he won best director, didn’t he ?

I inform her that acclaimed Mexican filmmaker Alfonso Cuarón also won best cinematography. It seems to bring her some comfort. We wave each other goodbye as we part ways.

Nicole seems like such a nice girl. What the fuck is your problem ?

Yes, Brian, I know that we’ve been married for ten years and that you feel bringing up the « unconventional » way we met everytime we have relationship problems is a bit unfair to you. Guess what ? I don’t care ! You’re not the only one whose feelings got hurt here !

Why don’t you want me to talk about it anyways ? It’s a cool fucking story ! I never would have planned that what I thought were the lyrics to Grimes’ Venus Fly would turn out to be an ancient Latin curse. And I never planned I would fall in love as soon as my eyes met the orbs of ancestral fire burning in the middle of your seven-dimensional face.

Yeah, alright, not everything about you was that bad. We did have our moments. I’ll always remember when you first took me to meet your father. I couldn’t understand what you were saying (those lessons of Z̵̨̪͉̜͇̰̲͚͌̽̑ͫ̿ͦ̑̎̌̈ͪ̂́͝Ḟ̨͓̘̝̲̝̌̈̑ͬ̓̓ͦ͒ͩ͗̐͋ͫͭ́̕͘͝J̢̡̘͍͎̯̻̼͉͎̦̼̱̦̘̬͋ͣ̂̑͐͟͜͞K̵̵̗̙̳͓͓̞̲̲̺ͦ̒̏͆ͧͯ̈́̌̄̏̐ͤ̆ͨ͡͞D̶̛̗̼̯̝̰̙̤̜̝̯̰̦̏̎̈ͮ͂ͦ̉ͪ̊̈́̄ͭ̒̈́͑̇͢͡͞H̵̨̭̥͍͖ͧ̓ͥ̾̃̃̅D͆͐ͫ́̀́̀͏̡͉͔̖͙̩̗͇͔̥͖͎̳̭̤̻̟͎K̷̡̯͔͔̬̳̮̪̺̝̳͉͐̽̓͘Z̵̵̫̟̬̝̣͉̪̻̲̤̠̝̲̣̰̹̺ͩ͆̑̀͋̊ͧͯ͐͊̎̚ͅͅN̵̥̣͕͚̫͇͖̫̲͎̺̩̬̭̫̦ͩ̐̏ͧͣ͊̆̃̏̇̇̈́ͧͫͭ̓̒́̀̕͡S̶̶̶̟̼̮ͫ̇̌̌͗ͦ̿ͥ always ended with us either on my kitchen floor or inside your torture dungeon) but the snakes he was shooting from his ears makes me feel like he was angry, and I’m pretty sure you were defending me when you tore his heart out of his ribcage and ate it. Oh, and remember when we accidentally invoked your cousin when we were having shower sex to Infinite Love Without Fulfillment ? Awkward alert ! Thank God you threw him into the Mephistophelian void right afterwards.

How much fun we had back then ! Where did it all go wrong ? Was it when I gave you a goat’s head for Christmas instead of the pig you asked me for ? Or when you possessed my grandmother’s body at her funeral to try to cheer me up ?

I guess there’s no point trying to figure out what already failed. I’ll always be grateful for the years we spent together. You gave me the greatest gift of all: our beautiful 516 half-human half-demon children. But now you just want to take them away from me ? I don’t care what the all-knowing judge of all dimensions said, don’t you dare bring that up ! That’s just a dick move, Brian.

By the way, while you were busy sneaking MY kids into a boat to your vacation resort near the Styx, I met someone new. Yeah, you heard that right ! It’s too late to come back crying to me. You won’t ever get to touch these beautiful curves again. All those memories ? They’re in the past now. If you care, his name is George and he always treats me right. Better than you ever did, at least ! And who knew ancient spirits stuck inside Björk’s Vulnicura Strings (Vulnicura: The Acousitc Version – Strings, Voice And Viola Organista Only) were this hot ?

So, yeah, Brian, this is my final warning. I hate to pull cheap tricks on you, but if you don’t give me custody of at least 200 of our little munchkins by next week… I’m calling my mom.

You know what she’s like when she gets angry.